Reflecting back on some of the feelings from our journey…

I remember the day we found out about Atticus’s Tumor so vividly! When I think about that day I often get a sick feeling in my stomach, sometimes I feel as if I cant breath for a minute! Its so crazy how certain things will trigger that awful sick feeling again. I will never forget that feeling! I know I'm not alone and that several other parents and families have felt the same feelings I have felt! Some days I wish so bad that I didn’t know what it feels like to be told my child has cancer! Some days I wake up wondering if it was all a dream and then quickly realizing its our life! The dark cloud of Cancer doesn’t just go away after treatment or resection of the tumor. It lives on, and day after day I’m reminded of it! Some days are better than others and with time I’m told it gets easier!  I don’t want to wish my days away, hoping that it will go away someday or that I wont have to worry constantly if the cancers back! That’s not the life I want to live! That’s not the life Atticus wants us to live either! There is more to life than worrying about cancer day in and day out! We will not let cancer rule our lives!  Cancer will not steal our joy, our hope, or our life's dreams! It will only encourage us to live life more fully and reach for all our dreams! We will continue to press forward with unwavering faith and hope!

When Cancer treatment is over you have so many mixed feelings and emotions as a parent and I’m sure as a patient as well! We were so happy and overjoyed that Atticus had completed and conquered a major 8 hour brain surgery and now Chemo treatment!! We were beyond grateful for him to not be infused with the toxic drugs that made him profusely sick and vomit his guts out! His little body overcame so much, between so many infections, transfusions, lab draws, dressing changes, surgeries, x-rays, CT scans, MRI’s and the major scare of Pneumatosis and Typhlitis! Atticus was and is a true hero! 

But then the fear sets in! Your done with treatment and now we are not actively doing something to kill the cancer cells!! You wonder, did the chemo kill all the cancer cells, Will the cancer come back, Will the scans be clear??? The thought of leaving the hospital permanently and not going back until the next scans and check-ups made me so uneasy! Your life has been ruled and dictated by the hospital for so long, it was our safe haven! The thought of leaving Seattle Children's Hospital and walking out those hospital doors was absolutely terrifying!

Oh how we had longed for this day, to be able to go home and be a normal family! I sometimes found myself wishing for our old life back! The life we had as a family before cancer! It was in that moment of coming home that I realized this is our new normal! I needed to learn how to deal with this new normal of Cancer forever being such a huge part of our lives!  Coming home was very emotional and hard at times but it has also been better than I could have ever imagined!  Finally seeing Atticus run, giggle, play and be a naughty 2 year old has brought us all happiness beyond our imagination!

Even though I HATE cancer, (and i dont hate many things) it sure has taught me and our family some of the best lessons in life! We have all grown so much and we are so much stronger and nothing can break the special bond between us!  I learned how to truly love with all my heart! I thought I knew and understood what faith and hope was, I learned really quickly what faith really is and how to trust completely in the Lord! Sending your baby into the O.R. for extensive brain surgery not knowing if you would ever see him again was a faith and trust builder for sure! I learned more about peace in those quiet hallowed halls of the hospital while holding my sweet boy in my arms. I've never felt so close to heaven as I did during this time! I learned the importance of hope, charity and service! Atticus has taught me more in the last 8 months than most learn in a lifetime! And yet he continues to teach me and remind us all each day of what life’s about! He has such a happy soul, it is truly inspiring. Cancer stole a lot from us, but we won’t let it rule our lives! Life can still be happy and we can and will find joy, happiness and hope in each day! Cancer has made us all reach higher to pursue all our dreams and to never hold back in fear!  I am grateful for this life we have been given and I will make each day count! This life was made to be cherished! 

Thanks for all your support!

#AtticusArmy